Lumos Bloody Maxima
by VivusEtIterum
Summary: Written or the Dirty Harry Potter Pick-up Lines Challenge.Oneshot, completed. Reviews please!


**Written for the Dirty Harry Potter Pick-up Lines Challenge. Review please!**

"I refuse to say something so uncouth and classless! And to a former teacher? Merlin Ginny, just because it's your hen night doesn't mean I'm gong to make a silly cow out of myself!"

"Hermione Jean Granger, you elected to join us in this game of Truth or Dare, and you chose Dare!"

"Do you girls realise this is a game for pre-pubescent children in the Muggle world?"

"Well at the moment, it's the rage here in the Wizarding world, so I can't be bothered enough to care. You selected Dare, now go and finish it! You've fifteen minutes before the mouth sores emerge- don't you dare give me that look, you knew full well the consequences of refusing to complete the Dare if you chose it!"

"I don't even know where he is!" she moaned.

"Bowtruckle shit!" Parvati Patil crowed. "You know very well he's with Lucius and Draco in the Hog's Head, we passed them on our way in!"

"I can't bloody well say it in front of Draco!" Hermione cried. "He'll die from laughter, I'll never hear the end of it!"

"It's not as if you two hate each other like you used to!"

"Well no, we're on excellent terms but still, it's the principle of the matter!"

"Think of it, you'll give him a laugh. It is his birthday after all. That's why he isn't going to Harry's stag party until later this evening."

"I hate to interrupt" Lavender chimed in "Bit you've only nine minutes now."

"Bollocking hell." Hermione muttered darkly.

"Well who's going to go with her?" Ginny called.

"I don't mind."

Hermione fought back a groan. Of course Luna would be the one to volunteer.

"Right then. Let's go Luna." Hermione threw back her shot of firewhiskey and shrugged her coat on.

The two women left the pub, Luna humming softly, Hermione tearing her lips to shreds with her teeth. Why, why, why had she mentioned how attractive Snape was looking lately? His teeth were white now, not that horrendous yellow colour. And here she was, forced by a magically binding Truth or bloody Dare contract to utter some inane pick-up line.

"Hermione?"

"Yes, Luna?"

"You're quite upset by this."

"I don't fancy making an arse out of myself Luna."

"I don't think anyone does." she replied pensively. "Though it's especially terrible for you, since you find him quite attractive."

"I only said his teeth were a nice white!"

"Not that. You get a bit of a starry eyed look when anyone mentions him. I'd normally say it was the Nargles, but he does have very beautiful hands."

Hermione turned a bright red, mortified as she watched Luna grab the handle to the door of the Hog's Head.

"Look, they're right over there." she said happily. "Draco looks wonderful."

"Oh Luna, I can't do it! I'll deal with the four months of herpes, I'll just use concealer-"

"Hermione! You chased Horcruxes for almost a year, you've quite enough bravery. You can say one ridiculous pick-up line to Severus. I'll even blame it on Nargles for you!" Luna's eyes shone.

Hermione shook her head. "Thanks Luna."

"See? You're even shaking your head, they'll have to believe it's the Nargles!"

Hermione squared her shoulders and swung the door open, her stomach turning on itself when the three men she did NOT want looking towards her, did.

Draco waved her over, Lucius nodding his head slightly in acknowledgement. Narcissa had straightened him out just after the war- they had a cordial relationship at this point, what with the time she spent around Draco.

But Snape-his back was turned on her and she felt more than a little light headed when he turned and arched an eyebrow at her. She approached them slowly, and when she was finally face to face with the three of them, he took a sip of his drink and turned back to Lucius.

"Hello Granger!" Malfoy smirked at her. "Come to wish me a Happy Birthday?"

"Not quite." She paled considerably.

"Miss Granger." Lucius inclined his head. "If you'll excuse me, I've just seen an old acquaintance." she breathed a sigh of relief. At least Lucius Malfoy wouldn't witness her embarrassment.

"Granger." Snape arched his eyebrow once more, and she almost melted.

"Hello Severus." she squeaked.

"Is something the matter? You look as though you've just stolen boomslang skin from my private stores."

"Youdon'." she spit out, and turned quickly on her heel, ignoring Draco's choked laughter. She sped towards the door of the pub and flung it open, leaning against the wall of the pub as soon as she exited. At least she didn't have to worry about cold sores.

The door opened, and she called out "Let's go Luna."

It wasn't Luna.

Cursing the gods that gave her such luck, she covered her face with her hands.

"Granger."

"Mmmph." she mumbled through her hands.

"Next time you choose to play truth or Dare with your friends, take care to do so when I am not in the vicinity; I am a grown man, and do not particularly enjoy having my drinks disrupted by former students." he said in a tone that was, decidedly, amused.

"I had to, it's Ginny's hen party." she shot back defensively.

"You had to? How Gryffindor." he smirked.

"Well it's not as if you've ever been threatened with herpes because you won't complete some asinine task!"

"And how would you know this?"

"You're 'a grown man' remember?" she replied nastily.

"Tsk tsk, you've quite the attitude this evening."

"Yes, I do, seeing as I've just made an arse out of myself in front of my former teacher, who happens to be the most cynical, sarcastic, rude, attrac-" she stopped quite suddenly and covered her mouth with her hand.

"What was that last one?" he took a step towards her. "Come now Granger, all this famed Gryffindor bravery and you can't even finish insulting a man properly."

She bristled. Really, if he wanted to know, she may as well tell him, the miserable old sod.

"Attractive." she raised her chin in defiance. "I find you attractive."

He looked stunned for half a moment.

"Attractive, you say?" he purred and took another step towards her.

"Yes, attractive."

"Interesting."

She was prepared to verbally assault him once more, when he brushed a strand of her straightened hair off of her face.

"It looks better curly, Granger."

She opened her mouth and closed it once more in shock.

"You look like a dying fish when you do that."

She squeaked an unintelligible response.

"You don't need to say Lumos Maxima to turn me on? How...original." he chuckled.

"Well it's a sight better than some of the others they suggested!"

"Ah, a sign of life." he muttered softly.

"You know, you really are very-" she was cut off as he pressed his lips to hers. And quite suddenly, she was floating. He tasted of liquorice and scotch, his lips warm and sure of themselves as he nibbled on her own. She pressed her hands against his chest gently, and squealed through the kiss when he pulled her into him by the buttocks. She ran her tongue against the roof of his mouth, eliciting a growl from him. She drew her fingers down his chest, coming to rest at the waistband of his trousers, his hand lightly cupping her breast, when quite suddenly he pulled away.

"You are lovely, , it is a personal rule of mine never to engage in physical endeavours with women so uncouth that they use pick up lines on men in bars."

He smirked and grabbed her hand, pressing his lips to her palm. "Do look for me tomorrow, will you?"

"Why-you-you-tease!" she shrieked.

"Good things come to those who wait, Granger. Until tomorrow."

She stamped her foot in irritation, setting off towards the Three Broomsticks. Lumos Maxima indeed.


End file.
